Wednesday. May 15th, 2013.

So... It's my 18th birthday in three days. This Saturday on the 18th. And I don't even care.

I've been faced with the possibility of not being able to graduate from High School since January or something. It's nothing abnormal for me now, which is a real shame because I'm really freakin' smart (not to brag. really). Everything seems to go wrong for me about halfway through the school year, every year. Since I have Asperger's syndrome I face a ton of anxiety when socializing and I need a lot more downtime/alone time than most people to "recharge". However, since High School loves to throw, like, 10 hours or more of work at students every day, I just don't have enough time to "recharge" to full every day. Slowly throughout the year that little bit of missing charge just adds up and adds up until I just can't even be in the same room as people anymore. Then I miss weeks and weeks of school, get hopelessly behind with school work, and all of those nice As and Bs that my intelligence got me go down the drain.

I'm at the point where I'm completely focused on just getting a goddamn D in all of my classes just to pass so I don't need to deal with this shit anymore. I'm probably not even going to college because 12 years of suffering is just too damn much. I'm not even upset, I'm just so done with it all. I could have probably followed in the footsteps of my near-super-genius Dad, but no. All that intelligence is lost to anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. Since I'm so focused on school, I forgot about Mother's day, my Dad's birthday today, my pal's birthday a few days ago, and now my own goddamn birthday. I can't remember the last time I actually had a birthday party because it's always like this at this time of year for me. I don't even want anything for presents. My parents ask me what I want since I'm hard to get gifts for and I don't even know what to tell them. I don't even want money because I get an allowance and since I haven't bought anything in so long it's piling up. I'm drowning in goddamn money and don't even want to do anything with it. That's just what anxiety and depression does to people... Nothing they can buy makes them happy anymore. Nothing makes them happy anymore.

It just really sucks that in this society pleasing a teacher or boss is more important than your own physical or mental health. I'm just sick and upset so often now... I'm privileged to have a great family that I love, tons of money because my Dad's so successful, pets that I adore, loads of intelligence and creativity, and I can't fucking enjoy any of it because of anxiety and depression, anxiety and depression! I can't tell you how frustrating that is! I know people that would kill to be in my position and it makes me feel so selfish sometimes, but I don't even know what to say!


Sorry for ranting, but maybe it'll help explain why I've been so distant lately. Also I'm sorry to all the people I've ignored or forgotten because I'm so wrapped up in my own stress.