Life Update

I think it’s time for me to finally talk about what’s been going on in my life for the past few days since I’ve been surprisingly composed today. I only cried for a cumulative 2 hours today unlike yesterday’s 5 to 6. Beware some really sad topics if you want to read this wall of text.

I’ll begin with Hiccup, since I’ve already shared a bit about his problems this past week in [this journal]. Picking up where I left off with him, he went to the vet this morning. He was a very brave potato today. He even let the vet see his face so he could look at his jaw. The first thing the vet said he was worried about was how uniform and symmetrical Hiccup’s jaw swelling was. If it was just an infected tooth or something, then it would be one-sided. Next he mentioned he didn’t want to sedate and x-ray Hiccup like he planned because he didn’t want to risk sedating him when he’s malnourished from not eating enough for a few nights. That, and he didn’t have the equipment he wanted at that location.

Then the vet talked to me for a while about what he thinks the problem could be. Note, that none of this is certain yet. Hiccup does go back to the vet for proper x-rays this upcoming Wednesday assuming he does well up until then. Hiccup does have some painkillers and an antibiotic to help him in the meantime, but I’m getting ahead of myself here. Back to the potential issue. So, the vet believes Hiccup is having some problems with his kidneys. Something about how the kidneys produce and enzyme that lets calcium be absorbed into the body (I’m too preoccupied to fact check right now). So if Hiccup’s kidneys aren’t producing that enzyme, then he’s not getting any calcium despite eating a normal amount. In desperation, the body starts to eat away at the bones to get the calcium it needs. This calcium deficiency would explain why his teeth are falling out, why he’s been gradually losing weight since November, and I’m not sure how but it also relates to the swelling in his jaw and his darker urine. I’m not sure what a kidney problem could mean for Hiccup in the long term, but for now I’m just focusing on getting him his medication and keeping him fed. He did eat some of the special wet cat food he was sent home with too, so that’s excellent. He hated the fuck out of the antibiotic, though. I can’t blame the guy. The stuff smells like ass. He’s been a little trooper today, though. I’m proud of him.

Oh, and there was also the kind of shitty car ride to the vet. I am like… the most nervous driver you’ll ever meet. I also suffer from some sleep issues, and the number of times I’ve almost fallen asleep behind the wheel is alarming. Y’know those rumble strips they put along the sides of some highways that make a loud noise when you drive over them so you know you’re going off the road? Yeah, those are nice. I had to use those today. It went from that to white-knuckle driving when I got into a more populated area. I panicked and turned too early, and then my nav was basically like, “You’re on your own here, buddy,” because it was like NO HELP from that point on. That area is a fucking mess. I wish my Mom could have driven me, but she couldn’t leave my dog alone for soon-to-be-mentioned reasons. However, I made it. I was shaking, crying, and in the middle of a mild panic attack, but I made it. I also actually kind of felt like an independent, functioning adult because I managed to calm down and handle Hiccup’s vet appointment and everything all my myself. Like… y’know… a neurotypical person with actual, functioning coping skills. So if there’s one good thing I can take from these past few days, I guess that’s it.

So… now on to the bad part. Yesterday, March 3^rd, another problem came and walloped my family and me out of the blue. My Mom and I rushed my dog Dakota to the emergency vet with what we thought was Bloat (Gastric Dilatation and/or Volvulus). If you’re not in the know, Gastric Volvulus is the mother of all “holy fuck your dog is going to die if you don’t get them to the vet and into surgery in under an hour” emergencies. It’s basically where the stomach swells up and then twists on itself. The twist blocks off blood flow, and it can cause internal bleeding, disrupted blood flow throughout the body, etc. Even with swift treatment, there’s like a 33% chance of death.

Thankfully, during the car ride to the vet, Dakota managed to vomit. Which is like the best freaking thing you can see a dog you think has bloat do because it means there’s no Gastric Volvulus. Took him to the vet anyways, obviously. Dakota stayed most of the day because they wanted to get an ultrasound, x-rays, blood work, the whole shebang. The news was not good. Not good in the least.

It turns out Dakota has a sizable tumor next to his liver. It’s not operable, and chemotherapy would only buy him a painful three months of life. We believe it has been the cause of some of various issues over the past year. The big one being his digestion issues. There were several times throughout the last year or more where he would throw up food and medication from hours and hours ago. He just wasn’t digesting. He also suffered from anemia from time to time. His health was just all over the place. One day he’d be fine and then the next he’d look terrible. We thought it was all to blame on his autoimmune disorder, but now we know that it’s probably because of this tumor. It pressing on the bottom of his stomach and not allowing food to pass through causes the digestion stuff and the tumor occasionally rupturing explains the anemia and the hit-and-miss health.

We were told yesterday that it would be best to have Dakota euthanized soon. We might have even done it that day if not for my Dad being out of town for a week. He came home a few hours ago. It was nice that he got to see Dakota again, but Dakota has still been in bad shape. We’re scheduled to go to the vet with him tomorrow morning to help him move on comfortably.

It’s been hard, because this is the first pet I’ve ever had to live with for a day knowing that you can basically count down the last few hours of his life. My dog Ginger had to be euthanized in an emergency, and she looked so accepting. She was ready to move on. My cat Snickers also died in an emergency. Both of them just took us by storm, so there wasn’t a lot of build-up or anticipation. Now with Dakota… it’s been a struggle. Just knowing. Just knowing that he himself might not even know. That maybe he doesn’t want to go yet. But he’s suffering, and we hate to see him like this. He still looks uncomfortable even with the pain medication. However, I’m happy he got to see his Daddy again. That he got one more night of getting rotisserie chicken from us for dinner and to see his happy smile when my Dad came home and gave him a bunch of hugs.

Just… fuck. Funny how life can just give you these long breaks where you feel like everything’s looking great, and you’re making plans for the future, making good progress towards your goals… Then wham. Like life is like, “Hey, I hope you enjoyed your vacation. Here’s all the tragedies and hardships you missed while you were gone. I’ll just drop off all these with you now so you can deal with them all at once.”

I’m coping pretty well overall. It still sucks. My eyes are constantly burning from crying, and being weepy with the remnants of a head cold don’t go well together. I’ve been getting shaky a lot lately, and I can’t tell if it’s just from stress or from something else. But I’ll get through it… It might take a while, but I’ll be okay. It’s just one foot in front of the other for now. I should probably go to sleep. I need to be up early tomorrow morning to give Hiccup his morning dose of antibiotic and to see Dakota off.